Mark Myers Expert Answer to: What should I do if I cannot stop thinking about the fact that a friend I made recently talks to other people too?

Mark Myers expert answer to: What should I do if I cannot stop thinking about the fact that a friend I made recently talks to other people too? View answer:

What were You Thinking?Understanding Your Teen’s Choices

As parents of teens, understanding their choices becomes a work in progress. Shaping the behaviors we want them to demonstrate by utilizing incentives and consequences takes time and patience. The answer parents are searching for...”What were you thinking?” may not be something the adolescent could answer him or herself. When addressing decision making with adolescents, we need to take into consideration inherent challenges a teen faces in making ‘good choices’.

First, we need to look at the differences in adult and adolescent brains. An adolescent’s brain is different than an adult’s brain.  It is less mature in some crucial areas and overdeveloped in others. In the teenage brain is the amount of synapses a teenager has compared to an adult.  Synapses are pathways in our brains that pass messages from one part to another. What scientists have found is that teenagers experience a wealth of growth in synapses during adolescence.  This is not necessarily a good thing. More wires means less efficiency.  As we get older, we utilize our pathways more effectively. This is called pruning.  Picture the teenage brain like a mass of wires in an inefficient entertainment center. Most of the wires are not necessary.

The pruning process starts from the back of the brain and moves forward. The part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex, is the last to be trimmed. This part of the brain weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses, as well as, emotions. This section of the brain also helps people understand one another. It does not fully develop until the mid 20’s.

The amygdala is a part of the brain that scans for danger and sends this information to other parts of the brain.  Activation occurs when there is a real or perceived threat. In adolescence, the amygdala reacts more intensely to stressful situations than adults. Studies indicate that teens also misread emotions more than adults.

Lastly, an area of the teenager's brain that is fairly well-developed early on is the nucleus accumbens, or the area of the brain that seeks pleasure and reward. This explains why teens, for the most part, are more pleasure seeking than adults.

In summary, it is important to realize that there are differences in the physical makeup between adult and adolescent brains. Adolescents may be asked to act like adults, but they they do not have the same type brains as adults. The brains of adolescents are still developing, and they continue to do so into their early to mid-twenties. The brain circuitry is not the only challenge in figuring out teenage decision making.

No matter what your age,  you are in what is referred to as a Life Stage. We have certain emotional tasks at each Life Stage that we need to master to move on to the next emotional stage in life. On their way to adulthood, teens must work through certain developmental challenges specific to their age group. Emotionally, they are preparing and practicing to be adults. They are working toward independence. In thinking and planning for the future, this is where they begin to separate themselves from adults.

For some teens, this process creates challenges and additional stress. Included are additional developmental tasks adolescents face that could influence decision making: peer relations take on new meaning (more emphasis), interest in opposite sex/awareness, separation from parents, search for identity (parents opinions become less influential), and development of a moral compass. These are all life transitions that create stress and affect decision making.

The decision making process that a teen goes through is certainly influenced by all these factors.  Genetic makeup, home and school environment also influence making good decisions. Parents have a tough role. Supporting their children to grow into adults and asserting (including accepting they will experience some bumps along the way), as well as, protecting them from serious consequences. As a parent, it is difficult to see your child make mistakes that you, as an adult, would have advised them against.

Included are some guidelines to help you establish your role in this process.

*  Even though we want our children to make good choices and think through the consequences of their actions, remember this is a long-term process

* Recognize when to step in and make decisions for your child and when to step back and allow them to learn from an experience

* Understand teens have a different value system than adults. Trying to get them to buy into a value at this age might not be as productive as putting your efforts into getting them to comply with a behavior

* Try not to be judgemental about their decisions. If they make a bad choice, it is more helpful for them to see it and recognize what they could have done differently. Create a dialogue with them to help them grow from this.

Practice is the most reliable predictor of whether humans develop necessary cognitive skills. Our brains are wonderfully able to learn and create pathways that allow us to adopt new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving which is the best reason to reinforce with your teen the choices you want them to make. Rehearsal is essential to creating the neural pathways that support problem-solving and decision making.  And while we still may wonder....”What were you thinking?” our responses can be formed through understanding and conviction that new skills take time and patience.

Janet Myers

Should the whole family go to counseling if one child has anger issues?

Everyone experiences anger at some point. It is human emotion that cannot be eliminated. It is how, where, and when anger is expressed that defines it as a problem or not. The person expressing anger may not see it as a problem either but others around him\her can.
If a child is expressing anger and it impacts on the family and attempts to curb within the family have been exhausted, seeking outside help would be advised. Who participates in therapy is dependent on the circumstances and the motivation of the child who has the Anger Management problem. Sibling and parental reaction to anger as well as involvement prior to the anger episode need to be evaluated.

Parent involvement is essential in therapy. Parents response to anger and consequences attached to anger episodes could help shape behavior and offer motivation and investment into change. Other family members could be brought in to help assist in allowing the child to master Anger Management skills and define their roles in this problem. Sibling participation would be helpful if: there is a need to repair damaged relationships, siblings could assist the child in helping manage the problem, they may be directly or indirectly escalating the problem, and there is a need for further understanding of the nature of anger.

The main focus of therapy should be on the anger issue. Family counseling (with siblings) could be counterproductive if the focus shifts away from the anger problem. Also, the child experiencing anger should have some rapport with their sibling. If this relationship is strained to the degree the child is reluctant to open up, it may be more productive to hold off on family counseling (with sibling) until the anger could be stabilized.

Get a Better Sleep: 10 Most Common Sleep Myths

How much sleep do humans really need? Is there a way to make up for lost sleep? Is snoring bad for you? We all have questions about that elusive mystery we call sleep. We’ll cover the most popular assumptions about sleep and what the research actually shows.

#1: People need less sleep as they age.

Myth

While it's true that infants need and usually get at least 10 to 12 hours of sleep a day, the elderly rarely seem to sleep that much. The aged do have the same sleep requirements they had as adults, yet many find it difficult to sleep for long periods of time. The elderly are likely to make up for some of this lost night-time sleep with naps throughout the day.

It may be dangerous to assume that the elderly need less sleep because treatable sleep disorders may not be diagnosed. Better sleep leads to better health no matter what a person’s age.

#2: Some People Do Well on Very Little Sleep

Yes and No

Most people who claim they need only a few hours of sleep may not be in touch with how their sleeping habits affect them in waking life. There are very few people who can get less than 4 hours of sleep and function during the day. People who tend to get six hours or less are called “short sleepers.”

Sleep lab trials on those who claim to sleep very little but function well, show their brains are shut down but they may not be aware that they are asleep. If someone is functioning well and says they only sleep one or two hours, they are probably sleeping more than that but are unaware of it.

Overwhelming evidence shows that those who are functioning “normally” on only a few hours of sleep would still benefit in a variety of factors if they got more sleep.

What happens is that people who routinely get that little sleep begin to experience problems down the line. Sleep deprivation can impair glucose tolerance, leading to diabetes. Short sleep has also been associated with hypertension, obesity, and stroke.

#3: Everyone Needs 8 Hours of Sleep a Night

Myth

The amount of sleep a person needs is highly individual. One person may need 7 hours of sleep and another person may need 10.

A common way to determine how much sleep you need is to see how much you sleep on vacation or when you don’t have to get up for anything. The problem with this experiment is that most people, when allowed to wake naturally, are actually sleeping more than they need on average to make up sleep.

Trial and error can help you discover the best bedtime and wake time for yourself.

#4: Naps Can Help You Catch Up On Your Sleep

True

While there is no substitute for a good night’s sleep, naps provide a solution to daytime sleepiness if taken properly.

To help one feel refreshed without interfering with the sleep cycle, power naps of 15 to 20 minutes between 1pm and 3pm will help a sleepy person feel more refreshed.

Naps that exceed 45 minutes can have the opposite effect, allowing one to get into a very deep sleep, awakening groggy and confused.

Napping too late in the day can lead to insomnia that night and the start of a vicious cycle of sleep disruption.

#5: If You Are Deprived Of Sleep During the Week You Can Catch Up By Sleeping Late On Weekends.

Fact

The weekends can be used to catch up on lost sleep. The catching up, however, needs to be done the right way so as not to disrupt the sleep cycle.

One of the cornerstones of good sleep is a regular pattern.

If one develops a pattern of sleeping in a couple hours more on the weekend to catch up on sleep, it can be beneficial, assuming one isn’t too far behind on sleep already. One should plan to go to bed at the same time and wake up a little later for this plan to work.

#6: Exercise Before Bed Helps You Sleep

Yes and No

This is an individual matter as well. Exercise in general helps people sleep better, and is generally beneficial for sleep. However, the time of day one exercises is important.

Exercise naturally increases body temperature and keeps it elevated for several hours after. The problem is that the body sends the signal that it's time to sleep by slightly lowering body temperature. It is difficult to get body temperature low enough to signal sleep right after exercise.

Exercise in the morning, getting plenty of light, tends to help most people sleep better. There are some insomniacs, however, that swear by vigorous exercise before attempting sleep.

This is an individual matter that trial and error can help solve.

#7: Sex Before Bed Will Keep You Awake

Unclear

There are limited studies that address this issue, and again, it may be an individual thing. Some people respond to sex before bed as a good tension release, others as if they had been out jogging. Women are especially prone to have more difficulty falling asleep after sex than men and there are obvious biological differences working here. Individual timing is of importance.

#8: Eating A Big Meal Before Bed Will Cause Nightmares

Myth

While no foods have ever been linked with bad dreams, ingesting a large meal before bed is not a good idea. Blood that would flow to the brain during sleep is diverted by a large meal to the intestines. Since the brain is highly active during sleep, it makes sense to give it all the blood flow it can get at this time.

#9: If You Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night, A Glass of Warm Milk Can Help You Get Back to Sleep

Maybe

Warm milk and turkey are popular natural remedies for sleep because they both contain the amino acid tryptophan, a potentially sleep- inducing chemical.

Even in pill form, however, tryptophan may not be as sleep inducing as Benadryl, a common over- the- counter antihistamine used as a sleep aid.

What researchers do know is that alcohol, smoking, and caffeine all have disruptive effects on sleep patterns.

10: Nightmares Can Kill You By Causing a Heart Attack

Myth based on Fact

Some people have a genetic heart condition called Brugada syndrome that can result in a heart attack during REM sleep.

REM sleep occurs when people dream and their brain is highly active and the heart is less stable. Some people with severe cardiac disease are more at risk during highly active REM sleep than they would be if awake. It’s not the dream itself that causes the attack, it’s the highly active nature of REM sleep.

Sleep apnea is related to REM heart attack so it's important to get apnea treated as soon as possible.

One of the biggest myths is that sleep is a benign restful state, with very little happening. We now know a lot more is going on than meets the eye.
If you are having trouble sleeping, keep the truths you've learned here in mind. You should be on your way to a better night's sleep soon!

By Rodney Allen Cole

Top Ten Tips To Improve Focus

Top 10 Tips To Improve Focus Creativity and thought require uninterrupted focus. This is difficult to accomplish in our world of instant communication and distraction. Here are some strategies to maximize your ability to focus. 1. Turn your cell phone to silent. Even if you plan to let your cell phone go to voicemail or set it to vibrate, that minor distraction can interrupt your train of thought. 2. Limit your access to Social Media. Twitter, Facebook, etc. can draw you in and next thing you know, an hour has passed. By limiting those instant distractions, you create less of a chance that your attention will be pulled away from the activities you need to accomplish. 3. Close your email and turn alerts to silent. You can set aside time to deal with email at a different time. Instant access to your attention prevents sustained concentration. 4. Don’t go there. If the Internet offers a distraction and is not part of your task that needs to be accomplished, do not open that tab in the first place. We can also become lost in searching the cyber-universe that we lose focus. 5. What distracts you? It’s important to know what your triggers you to be distracted. Is it the television, the kids, the pets, the computer, etc? Set up your environment to manage the distractions. 6. Multitasking could be an issue. Many people pride themselves on their ability to multitask, however, when you multitask none of the tasks on which you are working get your full attention. This slows the process and interrupts the ability to fully concentrate. 7. Manage worry and stress. Stress interferes with our ability to focus on the important. Take some time to relax, clear your mind, make a list of the things that are competing for your attention and choose one to attack first. By prioritizing our responsibilities, we take control of the things we can control and recognize the parts of our situation that must be addressed at another time. 8. Develop good sleep habits. Difficulty sleeping can drain our ability to concentrate. 9. Put procrastination on the back burner. Do you have to clean your house before you focus on something? Update your filing system? You may be procrastinating. Break your task into small bite sized pieces. Start by spending 15 minutes on each bite sized piece. If you can fit two bites into one 15-minute period, more power to you! After you complete each step, choose a quick reward (a stretch, a walk around the room, a glass of water), then return to work for another 15-minute bite. 10. Stay hydrated and keep a snack handy. Thirst and hunger can interfere with our ability to remain focused. Especially, around 2 or 3pm, many people experience a drop in blood sugar that can make it difficult to concentrate. A small protein packed snack should perk you right up and improve your ability to focus.

Dealing With A Job Loss

 In the top five list of life stressors is the loss of a job. When a job loss occurs whether it is expected or unexpected, it shakes your confidence. Statistics indicate that according to 2010 US Census data 36.1 of people who completed the Census experienced a job loss in the years between 2005-2007. That is over 1/3 of the workers the United States who participated in the census. The unemployed collected 116 billion dollars in 2011. Suffice it to say, job loss is not an unusual situation in our current economy. How do we deal with this loss in a way that is healthy and productive? 1. Finish Strong – At times, even after you have been notified of a job loss, you must continue to function in that environment. Conduct yourself with integrity and finish strong. You may be hurt and/or angry about the job loss, but try to remember that the people around us are not usually involved your losing your job. Try to remember how you would want to be treated by others if they lost a job. It is tempting to act out in anger if you feel wronged, but choose the high road. Let that be the memory they carry of you. 2. Take Control of the Things You Can – Losing a job causes a loss of our sense of control over our environment. Use this as an opportunity to catch up on things that must be done at home. Send resumes, write letters, and seek Unemployment if you are entitled to it. 3. Manage your emotions – You will be experiencing a great deal of stress during this time, be kind to yourself. It is tempting to act out in anger, but talk to people you trust and respect. Use relaxation strategies to maintain your composure, and take a break if you need it. 4. Reach out – Make contact with people who know you well, who can support you during this tough time. 5. Think about the job loss and learn from the situation. Do you need a new type of job? Do you need different or more effective skill? This is a good time to educate yourself about advances in your field. 6. Update your resume - If you plan to seek employment elsewhere, take some time to update your resume, get letters of recommendation. 7. Make a plan – Use the Internet to search for job openings in your field. Send out lots of resumes and cover letters. Keep track of these and follow up with a phone call in two or three days. 8. Use interviews as learning experiences – Each employer may be looking for something different, but as you practice your interview skills, you will become more confident which will make you more marketable.

Teaching Your Impulsive Child Self Control

1. Catch your child exerting self-control and reward him or her with positives “Great job!” “You rock!” “I really like the way you...” “You should be proud of yourself for the way you...” Make behaving appropriately a positive experience...one that your child will want to repeat. 2. Anticipate trouble zones. Are there predictable times when you know your child generally has trouble controlling his or her impulses? Time the time to prepare your child for these situations. Explain what will happen, who will be there, and specifically the behavior you want to see (ie. We’re going to Grandma’s for a party and all of your aunts, uncles, and cousins will be there. I know you get excited to see them, but you need to stay calm, talk politely, and play nicely with your cousins. Please do not run in the house or be rough with your cousins. If you can do this, we can stop for a special treat on the way home.) 3. Develop Routines. The impulsive child needs structure to function well. Providing a predictable routine at home, as much as possible provides the needed predictability 4. Give warning when you are getting close to a transition. Give warnings when you are getting close to a transition. Allow a ten minute warning warning and give reminders as you get close to a transition time.

Executive Functioning

Executive functioning skills are those brain capacities that oversee the regulation of emotion, memory, and impulse control.  Many of the difficulties children experience in school can be linked to a weakness in one or more of these areas.  These skills are called executive functioning because the activity occurs in the frontal lobe of the brain.  Individuals with executive functioning difficulties will have impairments in one or more of these areas.  Mental health issues can interfere with executive functioning, as well.

Working memory allows us to hold information in our memory while performing complex tasks to use past learning and apply that information to a new situation.These skills include problem-solving, making a plan, and following through with a plan.

Impulse control refers to managing responses to events.  This includes thinking before acting, keeping one’s thoughts to oneself, and awareness of others.

Emotional regulation includes managing thoughts, feelings, and moods.  Individuals with challenges in the area of emotional regulation have difficulty recognizing and responding appropriately to their own emotions.

Executive Function is comprised of these three domains together.  See the diagram to better understand what impairments look like in each area.  As you can see, the domains overlap.  Individuals with impairments in multiple domains will struggle more with self-management tasks than other individuals.

Peg Dawson, PhD and R. Guare in their book (Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills” Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential. NewYork: Guilford Press, 2009)  identify seven steps to teaching executive skills.

Identify the problem

1. Set a goal
2. Outline the steps
3. Whenever possible, turn the steps into a list, checklist, or short list of rules to be followed
4. Supervise the child following the steps
5. Observe the child when they perform each step
6. Praise the child when he/she successfully performs each step

Keep the goal small at first and build from there.  Once you’ve mastered one area, move onto the next.

Breaking goals into smaller chunks and mapping the steps to achieving success allow individuals to experience a sense of mastery that encourages further development of executive skills.

Janet Myers

Sleep Tips

Sleep…that often, elusive rejuvenating sweet respite. Sleep has been proven to consolidate memories, encourages hormonal balance, restores the immune system, decreases the effects of the days’ stressors, and rebuilds muscle. The consequences of decreased sleep or sleep disorders include cognitive impairment, behavioral and emotional deterioration, hormonal imbalance leading to increased risk of disease including cardiovascular disorders and diabetes. In addition, sleep deprivation causes disruption in the hormones that control appetite, increased levels of cortisol, and other stress hormones which have been established to cause retention of body fat, particularly belly fat. Here are some suggestions for a good night’s sleep: 1. Start early. One mistake that people make is staying up too late. Our bodies and brains begin to wind down naturally around 10pm. 2. Develop a routine. Take a shower, read a book, meditate or pray before bed. These proven stress reducers could help you to have a restful night. 3. Engage in quiet relaxing activities at bedtime. Put aside the electronics. Focusing on phones, computers, television, etc. can disrupt the body’s natural inclination to relax. 4. Comfort is key. Create a comfortable, restful environment. Fo example, if laundry piled to the ceiling stresses you out and you have to see that while going to sleep, it might be helpful to get the laundry put away so you can relax. 5. Cut back on liquids after 8pm to prevent late night trips to the bathroom that is disruptive to sleep. 6. If you have trouble falling asleep, get up. It tends to quickly become an unproductive battle to try to will yourself to sleep. Get up, do something relaxing. 7. Take notice of sleep disruptors in your environment. Does a spouse steal the covers? Is your pet a bed hog? Take steps to minimize these environmental factors. 8. Figure out your optimum sleep temperature. A room that is too cool or too warm may interfere with sleep. 9. Stay away from sleep disruptive substances such as caffeine, nicotine, chocolate, soda, energy drinks, etc. 10. Wake up at the same time everyday. Consistent sleeping and waking times train your brain and your body to gear up or down for the day.

Moment,Relationship, and Death

When someone loses a loved one,typically there is going to be an assortment of emotions that person would need to sort through. The common one experienced,of course,is sadness. Another emotion experienced is regret. This emotion could turn to a self defeating belief,which certainly will complicate the grief process. When an individual passes away, weather sudden or prolonged, the survivor(s) will reflect back on the relationship. Instead of focusing on the relationship as a whole, they would pick a moment in time, usually the last interaction(or close to last)they may have had with the deceased. This moment could be something said or not said or something done or not done. A child may have walked away to take a break and a parent who was terminally ill passed. A couple could have gotten into an argument and the spouse died unexpectantly. The thoughts that evolve from this could impact on how a person deals with he loss."He dies alone", "This is the last moment we had", "I never said how much she meant to me". These are all passages in time the grieved could dwell on. In reality, there are very few story book closures we can have. If the relationship was significant, true closure may not happen for a time after death. Naturally we want to squeeze every moment we can out of significant relationships. However, it is important to focus on the relationship as a whole. Focusing on a part of it is truly not reflective on the relationship as a whole. One quiz does not make a grade, one report does not make a career, and one interaction does not define the relationship.