Utilizing Option B... (Anger Management)

          For those of you who viewed the movie, Anger Management with Adam Sandler, you would recall a scene where he got himself arrested on an airplane.  After repeated requests for a pillow from a stewardess, he became irritated. The stewardess was more interested in telling her fellow stewardess about her romantic adventures over the weekend. Sandler became irritated and asserted himself more.  The focus then shifted to him and his vocalizations. Although he was not verbally abusive or rude, the stewardess' were perceiving him to be. With each attempt at explaining himself and that he was not angry, the more defensive the stewardess became.  Eventually this lead to an Air Marshall coming in to intervene. Sandler's success in convincing the Air Marshall was equally unproductive. This ultimately led to him being tazered and arrested.

I use this example to demonstrate a couple ideas for those with anger management issues. First, there are times no matter how well you think you are making your point, you may not be able to convince the other person to see it your way. The other person has their own perspective and interpretations of the conversation and may not budge. This could not only apply to the message you are trying to convey but how that person is seeing you. If you feel in control and calm, but the other person is seeing you as angry, perception is reality. They are going to be reacting to their perceptions about the situation and not your beliefs. The longer the discussion continues the more solidified they could become in their belief.

In a similar vein, when trying to make your  statement, in most cases it should not take you more than a minute to defend your argument.  Even in lopsided disagreements, how many facts could be presented to argue your side? At some time, you will have presented all the information you need to, and the rest is up to the person receiving the information.  A key concept in anger management is understanding when to use option B. If you have not been convincing in your discussion or the other person is reacting to how you are presenting yourself,  decisions need to be made how productive it would be to continue.  Cutting your losses is a viable direction to consider.  In the example with Adam Sandler, if he did a better job in understanding where his disagreement was going, he would have saved himself from significant consequences.

Lost In Arguement

Not all people are going to agree with each other. That is what makes us unique as individuals. Everyone bring’s in their own life experiences and perspectives into relationships.  Disagreeing is part of human nature. How we approach and try to resolve these disagreements is an important in conflict resolution. This holds especially true when addressing sensitive issues that create conflict between people. Unfortunately, not all approaches and interactions in resolving issues is helpful.

One example of this type of communication is getting lost in the argument. This is when one party brings up a point of dispute to another party. The receiving party would bring up an issue that would shift focus onto a different part of that argument , leaving the initial issue unresolved. This issue would be someone related to the topic, but not directed at the specific issue at hand. An example of this would be a wife who expresses concern about her husband's drinking. Instead of directly addressing that topic, his response would be bringing in to the discussion how she nags him and that is why he drinks so much. By diverting attention to that comment and defending herself, the initial concern never gets addressed. The wife is getting lost in the argument.

Another example is a parent who confronts a teenager about his substance abuse.If a parent is against him using and does not want him to use, that is the issue to focus on. Focusing on the medical benefits, how harmless the youth feels it is, and that everyone is doing it, is getting lost in the argument. This parent would be spending time defending her reason and debating other issues rather than the issue itself.  The longer that discussion goes in the other direction, the less likely it will be resolved.

Sometimes getting lost in the argument is intentional and meant to misdirect a discussion. This would be used as a way of avoiding direct discussion about a topic that a person does not want to be discussed. Other times it is a result of poor communication skills. When a party realizes they are getting lost in the argument, the focus should be brought back to the topic at hand. Other issues could be addressed once there is some resolution to the initial dispute.

Self talk and Decision Making

Everyone has their own “self talk” or inner voice. They may not come up as thought bubbles as they do in cartoons, but to some degree we all access them.  This internal dialogue plays an active role in our decision

making.  We evaluate decisions based on past experiences, personal preferences, individual interpretations of events, and motivation at the moment.  Sometimes, our self talk contradicts itself.  For example, if you are on a diet and are offered a chocolate cake for dessert, your self talk may go something like this: “Boy, that cake looks good”, “This will ruin my diet”,  “Well I could burn this off tomorrow by spending extra time on the treadmill”, “if I give in to it this time, I will further put myself off from my goal of losing weight”.

Self talk influences not only how you make your decisions, but how you feel about yourself.  People with low self esteem may access negative thought process that contributes to how they value themselves.  These thoughts could also present themselves as self defeating and negative.  Individuals may convince themselves opportunities won’t turn out right. This prevents them from achieving goals and enforces feeling stuck.  Here are some common patterns of faulty thinking:

1. Overgeneralization: A conclusion is drawn bases on a single or limited experience. If a person does not get a job he/she desired the thought would be “I never get jobs I want so why bother.”
2. Black and White Thinking:  Looking at everything as all or none. “If I do not get an A in the class I will be a failure. “  
3. Should statements:   A person believes the universe SHOULD have predictable outcomes the way he/she sees things.  “Must” and “ought statements are close relatives of should statements. “People should stay in the right lane if they are going under 60 miles an hour.”

This list is not exclusive. There are other examples of faulty thinking that can be referenced.  The problem with this type of thinking is that it’s counterproductive.  It is important to be aware of your own thought process and how it influences your life on a daily basis. If you recognize that thoughts are counterproductive, work at challenging them.  Work at being more aware of how you approach situations and make decisions. Proactively, you can predict situations where negative self talk hampers your decision-making and prepare for them. Avoiding the situation could also be an option. If you are trying to stop drinking, going to a bar with your drinking buddies, may make it harder to stay with your goal. The environment would make it more difficult for the logical voice to prevail. A decision could be made based on a desire rather than what is best overall for you.

Why is it so hard to get rid of anxiety knowing that it is one the reason I can't enjoy life?

Answer by Mark Myers:

Identifying a problem (Anxiety) does not mean it goes away. I credit you for acknowledging your anxiety and wanting to do something about it. Some people struggle with anxiety a long time before coming to terms with their challenge.

My first suggestion is devising a game plan.Understanding more about your anxiety will give you a better idea how to address it. What are the symptoms you experience? What are circumstances that the symptoms present themselves? How do they go away? By creating more awareness to patterns and circumstances of your anxiety, it will be easier to devise a plan to address anxiety. It would help to keep a journal of days events. Even on days you don't experience symptoms this is helpful information to know.

Overall, lifestyle is something to take a look at. Diet, exercise, alcohol intake, employment, and support groups should be evaluated. These areas could have significant impact on anxiety symptoms. Also, recognize thoughts that may contribute to anxiety. Anxiety is a signal from our brain we are reacting to. Often times this signal is a subjective interpretation of events or situations. Even if anxiety is not directly related to our thoughts, your response to anxiety symptoms could influence the intensity of anxiety and duration symptoms last.

Lastly, if symptoms do not go away, consider talking to a professional. This could be a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist.

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mark Myers Expert Answer to: I have a son who had selective mutism from 6-8 years. He is now 16 and has been diagnosed with OCD.

Answer by Mark Myers:

Selective Mutism, as you may well know, is predominately found in children. However, some adults do experience it as well. This disorder is characterized by  a person persistently failing to speak in select settings, which continues for more than 1 month. These individuals do talk to other people, usually family members.

The diagnosis of Selective Mutism, does fall under the anxiety disorder spectrum. This spectrum would also include OCD. In fact, it is not unusual for OCD, or other types of anxiety disorders to coexist with Selective Mutism. It also does put a person at greater risk to develop other anxiety disorders later in life.

Without having met your son, I can speak in general about what may be going on. The obstinance in childhood you were talking about could have been a way for him to cope with uncomfortable or anxiety provoking situations. It would be informative to see when the behavior would present itself. A stressful situations such as exams that are currently going on, intensify symptoms. The behavior could be indicative of OCD and his inability to cope with stress.

I would strongly suggest having your son see a therapist and psychiatrist to address the symptoms. In most cases, both treatment modalities are needed.

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10 Things to do to Manage Anger.

1. Slowdown…. .. When you are angry your body is in heightened state (flight or fight).  Allowing this to build up makes it more difficult to stop anger episodes.  Picture yourself going downhill.  The further downhill you get, the more difficult it will be to stop.
2. Challenge the thoughts that got Challenge the thoughts that got you to the state of anger.  Are they rational?  Can you look at same situation and come up with different conclusions.
3. Distract yourself… the longer you mull over the incident the more likely you are revisiting the situation that got you angry.
4. Take deep, slow breaths.  This allows your body to step back from heightened state.
5. Evaluate your sleep.  Poor sleep could contribute to anger problems.
6. Involve yourself in a physical pursuit.  Martial arts, running, and weight lifting are just a few that may help direct your anger in a more constructive way.
7. Start the day with a daily affirmation.  Committing to going through the day managing your anger could be reinforced with starting on a positive thought.
8. Walk away.  Staying in anger situation could further exasperate your feelings.
9.  Listen to music.  This could have a calming effect and take your mind off situation that is angering you.
10.  Attempt to predict situations in which you get angry in.

Building Happy and Healthy Marital Relationships

There are many special rewards to being in

a rewarding relationship. Studies indicate

the individuals live longer and are more

happy in fulfilling relationships. Having the

friendship, support, and understanding of a

significant other is very important for most

people. Building a good life together is a

continuous and sometimes challenging

process. Couple dissolution could impact on

physical health, mental health, on children,

work, and school. This post covers areas that research has identified as problem signs in a

relationship and steps couples can take to

repair relationships.

Signs of a relationship in trouble

Most relationships face some challenges at different times. When negative interactions are more prevalent than positive ones (research indicates a 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio is important to have), this usually indicates a problem relationship. One problem area relationships experience is criticism. This is where one person attacks the character of the other, usually

with blame. Couples make “you” statements. For example, instead of a specific statement, they make global statement (ie. you always....) Or instead of a statement specific to the situation, they make personal attacks (ie: you did this...).

Defensiveness or making excuses is another problem area. Examples would include, assuming the worst, disagreeing with negative mind reading, cross complaining, and denying responsibility.

Contempt or name calling. Making crude, subtle or hostile jokes, or mockery. Body language also plays a factor as does tone of voice. The goal tends to be elevating oneself at the expense of one’s partner.

Withdrawing or Stonewalling is when one listener withdraws from interaction(ie: one spouse leaves, looking away from talker). Men usually stonewall more then woman. 

Children and Relationships

Having children is often a wonderful and rewarding experience. However, romantic ideals are more difficult to hold onto when children are introduced. Finding a consistent parenting approach and time demands are challenges couples face.Communication skills are also put to the test in these situations.

Differences Between How Men and Women Interact

Men and women usually have different approaches to communications. Men have a tendency to withdraw more when in conflictual situations or when they feel rejected or hurt. Women tend to pursue discussions more in these situations. In the face of perceived danger men are

more likely to have trouble going back to a relaxed state then women.

Fair Fighting

Even the most compatible couples tend to have disagreements. It is not if you disagree or fight but how you do it. Name calling, bringing up past hurts and unresolved issues, physical and verbal intimidation, poor listening, discounting significant other, sarcasm, and trying to

mind read (assuming you know what your partner is saying without clarifying it) are all indications of a couple who does not fight fairly.

Effective Communication\Fighting

All the above problem indicators may happen in some degree in all relationships. We must realize that not all problems have solutions. It is not if we fight but how we fight. 

1. If we disagree, it is important to still feel respected and listened to.

2. Enjoying verbal intimacy... feeling listened to.

3. Using I statements instead of you.

4. Listening without giving advice. These are all important components of good communication. When we are withdrawn we become poor receivers of nonverbal cues that may help us come to

agreements. At this point any type of communication is ineffective.

Quality Time Together

Spending quality time together is helpful. Quality time together must be a priority for the relationship to be satisfying. Developing routines and rituals together and focusing attention on each other are important to marriages.

Compromise

Couples should realize not all problems have solutions. Even the most compatible couples can not agree on all things at all times. When we disagree it is not what you say but how you say it. Your partner should feel listened to and respected.

Relationship Building

Relationships could be compared to bank accounts. If we keep making withdrawals, the account will run out. Don’t dwell on conflicts and pick your spots for disagreements. Deposits, such as humor, appreciation, consideration, fun, and affection, are what keeps relationships going.

* Keeping things in perspective. How important is the issue you are disagreeing over.

* Listen to what your partner is trying to say. One task you can try in an argument is switch sides. * Argue from your partner’s point of view. This will test your listening skills.

* Negativity encourages negativity, being positive is contagious. Nurture fondness and  admiration, let your partner influence you, create shared meaning and show your appreciation for your spouse. In happy marriages negativity is generally seen as fleeting and situational. In

unhappy marriages it is viewed as stable. By focusing on repairing problems or conflicts, being supportive of each other, and expressing appreciation to each other you find the keys to happy relationships.

Why do I get agitated by things outside of my control?

Answer by Mark Myers:

There are several disclosures that you have made that indicate agitation is not the only issue. Insecurity and unhappiness appear to be issues as well. My guess is that this is something that did not suddenly appear. It most likely was a work in progress. Family history, life experiences, relationships, and your physiological make up all got you to wear you are now. Habits, beliefs, and attitudes have probably been developing for awhile.

The positive part to all this is that you recognize this at this stage in your life. The challenge is to begin correcting and changing what got you to this point. The first thing to work on is your initial thoughts that pop up in situations. these are referred to as Cognitive Distortions or Thinking Errors. It seems that you recognize the thoughts that pop up at times are irrational. Thoughts could be challenged and changed. Consider keeping a journal and writing down how you think about situations that come up. This will create more awareness and help you identify and modify Thinking Errors.

People who are unhappy tend to isolate themselves. I would encourage you push yourself to go out more. Even though your tendency may be to stay away from people, allow yourself more social interactions. If time allows, consider volunteering.If you are not exercising, consider doing that.

Understand that it may take awhile for these patterns to change. If you make an effort and do not feel like you are getting anywhere, consider professional help. The professional could help guide and support in making these changes.

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I don't know why but I can't tolerate anyone touching me

Answer by Mark Myers:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a disorder that could manifest itself in different ways and to different degrees. There are also disorders that may fall under the same spectrum but present themselves differently. Usually, but not always, OCD is accompanied by avoidant behavior and/or compulsive rituals. These compulsions or rituals usually create some disturbance in life areas.

From the information you provided it is difficult to determine a diagnosis. More information is needed. If this is a relatively new issue, further examination would be warranted. If certain behaviors coexist with this (such as binging with food, purging food, obsession with weight) then we might be looking at an eating disorder. If you are focussing on real or perceived body defects and repeated checking of body parts, then we might be looking at a diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder,. If these concerns have been around awhile, involve other sensory issues such as sensitivity to touch, taste, and/or sound, we might be looking at Sensory Integration Disorder.

Once more details are obtained, the diagnosis and treatment approach could be pursued. Usually a Cognitive Behavioral Approach and/or medication would be pursued. Depending on the diagnosis and severity of the symptoms, how long these symptoms have been going on, and your motivation, results may take awhile. I would suggest talking to a professional and going further into detail with him/her. From there a treatment direction could be determined.

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4-20 and Cannabis use

Today is April 20th. This day takes on special significance for individuals immersed in Cannabis use . It is used to identify oneself with Cannabis use culture. 420(pronounced four-twenty) is based on the number as well as the event. Although that are different beliefs of it’s origins, the most consistent theory is the term was first used by a group of teenagers in California. Their designated hang out was a wall outside their school. The term was used for the time of day that they would indulge in marijuana use. The term has evolved into a counterculture holiday in North America, where people gather to celebrate and consume cannabis. The term is used also as code to disguise dialogue from those who do not smoke marijuana.

Mark Myers Expert Answer to:What is an appropriate level of disclosure of mental illness with friends and acquaintances?

If you have a mental illness that is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is not something people seek out, control, or at fault for. However, mental illness is a sensitive issue for some people. Society has come a long way in accepting mental illness but there are still stigmas attached to it. Some caution should be exercised in how you disclose it and to whom. There should be some level of trust.....click for more

Making Life Easier With Your Toddler

Parents could find themselves feeling stressed and challenged when it comes to balancing their responsibilities at home.  Although children are high priorities, household errands need to be done.  We have included some suggestions that may make it easier for you to find a more comfortable balance.

• Evaluate your child’s strength and weakness.  Some children may not do well in certain settings. Except their limitations and try not to force a situation.

• Understand and identify warning signs that your child may be on the brink of a meltdown.  This will allow you the opportunity to adjust accordingly.

• Recognize your own limitations.  If you are feeling stressed out, most likely, you will find it more difficult to address behavior.

• Look for more kid friendly places to frequent.  An example would be a grocery store that has shopping carts for kids, wide isles, secure shelves, and not a lot of glass items.

• Involve your child in as much household chores as possible.  Children want to be a part of your life\activities.  When you do get them involved, break the project up into smaller tasks.

• Routines are important for children.  The sooner you can establish them, the less stressful it will be.

• Give yourself plenty of time.  Sometimes, it can come off like clock work that your child will need to go to the potty when you are ready to leave the house.

• Choose your battles wisely.  Toddlers are going to be experimenting with testing limits.  Patience, over the long haul, is the most productive route.

• Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself when you are stressed.

• Negative self talk is nonproductive and leads to further stress.  Try to put  a positive spin on things.

What is the most distinctive difference between depression and bi-polar? Moreover, how does anxiety play a role in both?

Answer by Mark Myers:

Depression, bi-polar,and anxiety or three different diagnosis's that could all be treated differently. There are varying types of depression but for most part  symptoms include: feeling depressed most of day, decrease of enjoyable pursuits, increase or decrease of appetite, fatigue, difficulties concentrating, feeling worthless, and/or suicidal thought. A person who is depressed does not have to feel all of these to have a diagnosis of depression. The specific type of Depression Diagnosis would depend on how many symptoms the person identifies with and severity of symptoms.
Bi-Polar includes the a fore mentioned depression symptoms as well as Manic symptoms. These would include: elevated or irritable moods, involvement activities that have a high potential for injury or consequences, increase in goal directed activities, distractability, flight of ideas, talkative or feeling pressured to talk, inflated self esteem, and decreased need for sleep. Again, there are varying diagnosis's a person could have with bi-polar, and that as well would depend on severity of symptoms. So, bi-polar you have both the depressive symptoms and the manic symptoms.
Anxiety disorders have different categories that a person could be diagnosed with. These include: restlessness, difficulty concentrating, irritability, sleep disturbance, worrying, muscle tension, and in some cases, panic feelings. It is easy to see how some symptoms could overlap. Some individuals have both anxiety and depression. It may be difficult to decipher if a person is anxious because they have been depressed or the opposite. In addition the diagnosis of bi-polar is a possibility as well. To further complicate things, if a person is going the medication route, at times, by just addressing the depressive symptoms puts that individual at risk for a manic attack.
Determining an accurate diagnosis is not always easy. The person diagnosing is dependent on the reporting of the patient. One evaluator may come up with a different diagnosis than another. The person reporting, may under report their symptoms, or misrepresent them. An accurate diagnosis may take some time to determine. Often times, it is helpful to get family members in to offer input with the evaluation.

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