Utilizing Option B... (Anger Management)

          For those of you who viewed the movie, Anger Management with Adam Sandler, you would recall a scene where he got himself arrested on an airplane.  After repeated requests for a pillow from a stewardess, he became irritated. The stewardess was more interested in telling her fellow stewardess about her romantic adventures over the weekend. Sandler became irritated and asserted himself more.  The focus then shifted to him and his vocalizations. Although he was not verbally abusive or rude, the stewardess' were perceiving him to be. With each attempt at explaining himself and that he was not angry, the more defensive the stewardess became.  Eventually this lead to an Air Marshall coming in to intervene. Sandler's success in convincing the Air Marshall was equally unproductive. This ultimately led to him being tazered and arrested.

I use this example to demonstrate a couple ideas for those with anger management issues. First, there are times no matter how well you think you are making your point, you may not be able to convince the other person to see it your way. The other person has their own perspective and interpretations of the conversation and may not budge. This could not only apply to the message you are trying to convey but how that person is seeing you. If you feel in control and calm, but the other person is seeing you as angry, perception is reality. They are going to be reacting to their perceptions about the situation and not your beliefs. The longer the discussion continues the more solidified they could become in their belief.

In a similar vein, when trying to make your  statement, in most cases it should not take you more than a minute to defend your argument.  Even in lopsided disagreements, how many facts could be presented to argue your side? At some time, you will have presented all the information you need to, and the rest is up to the person receiving the information.  A key concept in anger management is understanding when to use option B. If you have not been convincing in your discussion or the other person is reacting to how you are presenting yourself,  decisions need to be made how productive it would be to continue.  Cutting your losses is a viable direction to consider.  In the example with Adam Sandler, if he did a better job in understanding where his disagreement was going, he would have saved himself from significant consequences.

Should the whole family go to counseling if one child has anger issues?

Everyone experiences anger at some point. It is human emotion that cannot be eliminated. It is how, where, and when anger is expressed that defines it as a problem or not. The person expressing anger may not see it as a problem either but others around him\her can.
If a child is expressing anger and it impacts on the family and attempts to curb within the family have been exhausted, seeking outside help would be advised. Who participates in therapy is dependent on the circumstances and the motivation of the child who has the Anger Management problem. Sibling and parental reaction to anger as well as involvement prior to the anger episode need to be evaluated.

Parent involvement is essential in therapy. Parents response to anger and consequences attached to anger episodes could help shape behavior and offer motivation and investment into change. Other family members could be brought in to help assist in allowing the child to master Anger Management skills and define their roles in this problem. Sibling participation would be helpful if: there is a need to repair damaged relationships, siblings could assist the child in helping manage the problem, they may be directly or indirectly escalating the problem, and there is a need for further understanding of the nature of anger.

The main focus of therapy should be on the anger issue. Family counseling (with siblings) could be counterproductive if the focus shifts away from the anger problem. Also, the child experiencing anger should have some rapport with their sibling. If this relationship is strained to the degree the child is reluctant to open up, it may be more productive to hold off on family counseling (with sibling) until the anger could be stabilized.

Mark Myers Expert Answer to"How Do I Stop From Hating Someone Else?

  Mark Myers Expert Answer to"How Do I Stop From Hating Someone Else? "click for more

What Type of Family Treatment is Available for Anger Management for a Teenager?

 Mark Myers Expert Answer to: What Type of Family Treatment is Available for Anger Management for a Teenager?     click for more

Adolescent Anger

During adolescents, individuals are struggling with many developmental, social, emotional, and physical challenges. Peer relations, body image, hormonal changes, sense of identity, and independence issues are to name a few. Most adolescents are able to work through this time with very little difficulties. Others may have a more difficult time negotiating their way through this time. Youths are not always directly expressive of their feelings, trust an adult enough to confide in them, or be able to articulate their emotions themselves as to what is going on.

The emotions this age group is addressing may come out more in their behavior rather than through expressing them. A youth may not verbalize depressed feelings but act depressed. External events(victim of bullying, breakups in relationship) could also be a factor in this behavior. Often, the way they express their emotion is by anger. Anger may not be intentional but more of an expression of them struggling with an emotion or event. An adult’s job is to decipher behavior and help youths manage and express their feelings in appropriate ways.

The first goal is to determine if there is a benefit to their anger. For example, a youth who gets angry every time a parent requests them to do some chores or asks where they are going, may be shaping their parents behavior into not asking these questions for fear of an angry response. The parent may back off for fear of an outburst.

Even if the anger is not serving a function of avoiding accountability for the youth, it is important that this emotion be addressed to help the adolescent learn to adapt to societal expectations. Parents’ will only reinforce this behavior if they do not address the behavior. If a child appears concerned about his anger outbursts, they will need to improve on their problem solving skills, triggers to anger, self talk, and relaxation skills