Should the whole family go to counseling if one child has anger issues?

Everyone experiences anger at some point. It is human emotion that cannot be eliminated. It is how, where, and when anger is expressed that defines it as a problem or not. The person expressing anger may not see it as a problem either but others around him\her can.
If a child is expressing anger and it impacts on the family and attempts to curb within the family have been exhausted, seeking outside help would be advised. Who participates in therapy is dependent on the circumstances and the motivation of the child who has the Anger Management problem. Sibling and parental reaction to anger as well as involvement prior to the anger episode need to be evaluated.

Parent involvement is essential in therapy. Parents response to anger and consequences attached to anger episodes could help shape behavior and offer motivation and investment into change. Other family members could be brought in to help assist in allowing the child to master Anger Management skills and define their roles in this problem. Sibling participation would be helpful if: there is a need to repair damaged relationships, siblings could assist the child in helping manage the problem, they may be directly or indirectly escalating the problem, and there is a need for further understanding of the nature of anger.

The main focus of therapy should be on the anger issue. Family counseling (with siblings) could be counterproductive if the focus shifts away from the anger problem. Also, the child experiencing anger should have some rapport with their sibling. If this relationship is strained to the degree the child is reluctant to open up, it may be more productive to hold off on family counseling (with sibling) until the anger could be stabilized.

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Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen

From The Department of Education "No Child Left Behind"

All parents want their children to grow up to be good people and responsible citizens. Just as children must be taught to tie their shoes, read and write, and solve math problems, so too must they be guided to develop qualities of character that are valued by their families and the communities in which they live. 

The benefits of encouraging children's positive character development are enormous. Research has shown that children who grow up with strong, positive values are happier and perform better in school. They also are better able to balance their personal wants and needs against those of others and make positive contributions to society.

The No Child Left Behind Act is the national effort to improve education, recognized that building character and learning values are important components of a child's complete education. The following information is from Helping Your Child a series of publications for parents and families provided by the Department of Education.

Research indications that children take values seriously only when they see that the adults they respect act in accordance with those values. Although parents must be the ones to determine which values they want their children to develop, they need the help of the community, particularly the school, in reinforcing those values.

An Activity To Do With Your Child

Being a good person of good character often requires having patience and sticking to something.

What to Do:

1. Let your child see you practice patience when doing a new or difficult task or when facing life's everyday frustrations, such as heavy traffic.

2. Use a timer as you and your child work at a difficult task. For young children, start with a small increment of tine and build from there. This activity will build perseverance. 

3. Help your children learn how to set priorities. For example, your child can be taught to complete homework before watching television, or to finish chores before playing with friends.  

4. Make a game out of doing hard tasks. How many pieces of spilled popcorn can you and your child pickup? Who can break the record for washing the most windows (and washing them well of course)?

Working with Teachers and Schools

Here are some suggestions for ways that you can work with your child's teachers ad other school officials to make sure that everyone understands the basic values that you want your child to learn and put into practice.

1. Visit with your child's teachers early in the school year and discuss what type of person you want your child to become and what values are important to you.

2. If the school has a character education program, ask for a description of the curriculum and talk with other teachers on how you can emphasize the lessons at home. If the school does not have a character education program work with the school and the community to begin one.

3. Be alert and for and communicate with teachers when the school is giving your children conflicting messages about values. For example, some teachers may expect that a child come prepared to every class with all the materials needed for that day's work and others may allow the child to borrow from others and sit next to each other or sit in class without materials.

4. Work with other parents to help your child's school establish high standards for behavior during school and at event such as ball games and concerts. Help create a list of volunteers for supervising school activities or chaperoning field trips.

School Refusal

It is not unusual for a child to wake up on a Monday morning and complain about having to go to school. Most school age children when given the choice of fun (weekend) or learning (school), will choose fun. However, when this argument becomes intense, persistent, and frequent, we have a behavior that is described as school refusal. School refusal is when a child refuses to go to school, is frequently unable to stay in school for the whole day, or goes to school and leaves or needs to be taken home. These complaints could be direct, through verbalizing not wanting to go to school, or indirect such as physical complaints. The most frequent age we see this occur is between eight and thirteen years of age. However, any school age child could experience it.

When a child refuses or resists going to school, one of the first tasks we need to examine is the reason why he/she may be resistant. We need to rule out confirmable physical illness and mental health issues (i.e. depression). If those do not appear to be a reason, we can look at other areas. This would include peer group (encouraging to ditch school), drug/alcohol involvement, grades, choosing to do more fun things during the day, or worries/fears. A child may be resisting or refusing to go to school because they are afraid. The fear could derive from several areas: fear of a person (bullying for instance) , fear of leaving someone (separation anxiety), fear of situations (being around other people), or fear of an event (speaking in front of class).

Age, peer group, and history of the child are necessary information in determining motivation. Family history or events could also play a factor. If there is turmoil/conflict at home, this could impact on a child’s emotional stability. If there is a family history of anxiety, this may make the child more likely to have anxiety themselves.

Regardless of the reason, it is important to remember that the longer you wait to address these concerns, the more difficult it will be to get your child out of these thinking and behavior patterns. Whether their fears are real or imagined, there is a strong likelihood a pattern of feeling (somatic and emotional) and behaviors will solidify themselves. This pattern, the longer it goes on, the more challenging it becomes to undo. It is usually extremely important to involve school personnel in addressing school refusal concerns. They will be your biggest allies in overcoming this issue. If the school refusal persists, it is important to seek out professional help. A plan of action and working with support systems available are important steps to take.