Change, Adjust or Leave. Deciding what to do in a relationship.

Unavoidably, we are faced with major obstacles in life. These obstacles could take the form of relationships, employment or other areas. Decisions need to be made regarding what course of action needs to be taken. We invest a great deal of time and energy trying to make these situations work. The end result that we desire may not be realistic or achievable. The investment in time and energy in cases such as this, could be better used deciding where to invest your energy... change, adjust or leave. Realizing there is more than one option is helpful for most people who feel stuck.

Change: The situation in which you currently find yourself is uncomfortable and you desire to change it. There is some ability to change or alter the situation. The party(s) involved are willing to negotiate or compromise on the matter at hand. This does not necessarily mean a 50/50 compromise, but enough negotiation to make things more comfortable. Situations that fall under this would include: a spouse that would be willing to cut back on drinking, a supervisor changing certain policies you find uncomfortable, or family member changing  or modifying an undesirable behavior. The time and energy you spend is invested towards changing the situation and the other person(s) involved is willing to compromise to some degree.

Adjust: The situation in which you currently find yourself in could not be modified. The individual or situation is not able or willing to change. You accept the limitations of the situation and choose to direct your energy and time into adjusting to an uncomfortable and unchangeable situation. The adjustment comes in  knowing you can't change the situation and accept your limitations. This is also means that for whatever reasons you are choosing not to leave. These reasons could be based on financial, emotional, or something else. This does not mean you condone what is going on but just accept you can't change it nor are ready to leave. Situations that would fall under this include: a spouse who most likely will not stop drinking, an inflexible supervisor, or a family member unwilling to change offensive behavior. By choosing to focus on this area, you have decided that you can endure the situation and this does not compromise your values to a great degree.

Leave: The situation in which you currently find yourself in is unacceptable. By staying in the situation, you realize it will too uncomfortable or unhealthy. The energy you expend is best directed toward leaving. Change is not possible and adjusting is not in your best interests.  Examples include: a significant other that is physically abusive or a job that has no future.

Mark Myers Expert Answer to"How Do I Stop From Hating Someone Else?

  Mark Myers Expert Answer to"How Do I Stop From Hating Someone Else? "click for more

ADHD Adults: Feeling Antisocial?

Maintaining Friendships is hard work for most adults with   attention deficit hyperactivity disorder(ADD/ADHD) It means making commitments and following through, neither of which are big strengths of ours. If we wind up canceling or, worse, forgetting about a coffee date or movie night altogether, we feel guilty, frustrated, and worse than if we hadn’t agreed to meet click for more

Cause and Effect in Relationships

Cause and Effect and Mental health

Human nature is to want to know the reasons for why things happen. It helps us understand or make sense of an event and the world around us. This is important in our relationships and daily life. If we do not  take into consideration the full ramifications of our decisions, we will run into problems later down the road. Individuals struggle with this concept in their day to day lives. They do not take into consideration that certain events will transpire from their actions or the actions of others. An example of this is a husband who complains that his wife is too dependent on him and that she is clingy.  As a result she develops more friends and spends less time with him.  Consequently, he complains about being left out.  Another example would be a teenager who does not hand in his/her homework and complains about her grade.

In the science community, it is called The theory of Cause and Effect.  This is used to explain the relationship between two events: one which is the cause and other which is the effect of the previous action.  A causes B.  It is used a way to research information and theories and is the basis for discoveries in the scientific community.  There are many cultural and religious references  in regards to this concept.  In regards to relationships, actions or cause(husband’s request for wife to become independent) creates a response or effect(wife seeking out new friends and spending less time with him).

Another type of theory that could be looked at in regards to relationships is a spurious relationship or event. This is when a cause and event (effect) happens, and another event is falsely attributed to it. There is a something else that affects the outcome and another event is erroneously connected to it. An example of this is a husband who drinks in excess(event) and blames his drinking on his wife complaining(cause).  If we look at this from a logical perspective, there is another cause or reason behind his drinking. He is attributing his drinking to a unrelated or spurious event. Another example is a student who does not hand in his homework (cause) receive a bad grad (effect) and blames it on the teacher being mean(spurious relation). This challenge could present itself in many different ways. It is helpful to identify spurious relations in our struggles.

There are several factors that could impact on how this plays out in relationships and decisions.  A person’s history(growing up and past family interactions), self esteem, problem solving abilities, and decision making.  When making major decisions, it is important to step back and look at what events most likely will fall into place after the decision.  Equally important, to understand spurious relations and how you may accept or assign responsibility in decisions that have no impact on the initial decision.

Building Happy and Healthy Marital Relationships

There are many special rewards to being in

a rewarding relationship. Studies indicate

the individuals live longer and are more

happy in fulfilling relationships. Having the

friendship, support, and understanding of a

significant other is very important for most

people. Building a good life together is a

continuous and sometimes challenging

process. Couple dissolution could impact on

physical health, mental health, on children,

work, and school. This post covers areas that research has identified as problem signs in a

relationship and steps couples can take to

repair relationships.

Signs of a relationship in trouble

Most relationships face some challenges at different times. When negative interactions are more prevalent than positive ones (research indicates a 5 to 1 positive to negative ratio is important to have), this usually indicates a problem relationship. One problem area relationships experience is criticism. This is where one person attacks the character of the other, usually

with blame. Couples make “you” statements. For example, instead of a specific statement, they make global statement (ie. you always....) Or instead of a statement specific to the situation, they make personal attacks (ie: you did this...).

Defensiveness or making excuses is another problem area. Examples would include, assuming the worst, disagreeing with negative mind reading, cross complaining, and denying responsibility.

Contempt or name calling. Making crude, subtle or hostile jokes, or mockery. Body language also plays a factor as does tone of voice. The goal tends to be elevating oneself at the expense of one’s partner.

Withdrawing or Stonewalling is when one listener withdraws from interaction(ie: one spouse leaves, looking away from talker). Men usually stonewall more then woman. 

Children and Relationships

Having children is often a wonderful and rewarding experience. However, romantic ideals are more difficult to hold onto when children are introduced. Finding a consistent parenting approach and time demands are challenges couples face.Communication skills are also put to the test in these situations.

Differences Between How Men and Women Interact

Men and women usually have different approaches to communications. Men have a tendency to withdraw more when in conflictual situations or when they feel rejected or hurt. Women tend to pursue discussions more in these situations. In the face of perceived danger men are

more likely to have trouble going back to a relaxed state then women.

Fair Fighting

Even the most compatible couples tend to have disagreements. It is not if you disagree or fight but how you do it. Name calling, bringing up past hurts and unresolved issues, physical and verbal intimidation, poor listening, discounting significant other, sarcasm, and trying to

mind read (assuming you know what your partner is saying without clarifying it) are all indications of a couple who does not fight fairly.

Effective Communication\Fighting

All the above problem indicators may happen in some degree in all relationships. We must realize that not all problems have solutions. It is not if we fight but how we fight. 

1. If we disagree, it is important to still feel respected and listened to.

2. Enjoying verbal intimacy... feeling listened to.

3. Using I statements instead of you.

4. Listening without giving advice. These are all important components of good communication. When we are withdrawn we become poor receivers of nonverbal cues that may help us come to

agreements. At this point any type of communication is ineffective.

Quality Time Together

Spending quality time together is helpful. Quality time together must be a priority for the relationship to be satisfying. Developing routines and rituals together and focusing attention on each other are important to marriages.

Compromise

Couples should realize not all problems have solutions. Even the most compatible couples can not agree on all things at all times. When we disagree it is not what you say but how you say it. Your partner should feel listened to and respected.

Relationship Building

Relationships could be compared to bank accounts. If we keep making withdrawals, the account will run out. Don’t dwell on conflicts and pick your spots for disagreements. Deposits, such as humor, appreciation, consideration, fun, and affection, are what keeps relationships going.

* Keeping things in perspective. How important is the issue you are disagreeing over.

* Listen to what your partner is trying to say. One task you can try in an argument is switch sides. * Argue from your partner’s point of view. This will test your listening skills.

* Negativity encourages negativity, being positive is contagious. Nurture fondness and  admiration, let your partner influence you, create shared meaning and show your appreciation for your spouse. In happy marriages negativity is generally seen as fleeting and situational. In

unhappy marriages it is viewed as stable. By focusing on repairing problems or conflicts, being supportive of each other, and expressing appreciation to each other you find the keys to happy relationships.